Fanfiction 4
by hollybridgetpeppermint
Summary: Holly teaches Artemis selfdefense. Nothing else much to say about this one, except it's funny. Needless to say, I recommend that you read it, but then it's my fanfic...


"I can't believe I'm actually doing this," Artemis groaned to himself as he walked down a hallway in the LEP building. He paused a moment to read a sign by one of numerous doors and hesitated before knocking.

"Come in!" There was no mistaking the voice; Artemis winced and rubbed his jaw in anticipation, then opened the door.

It was the LEP's gym, and it was huge. As Artemis approached the middle, his footsteps echoed through the giant hall.

"Oh good. You're here," said Holly, a broad smile splitting her face. "Let's get started. Today, we will be learning how to punch, duck, and shoot."

"What do you mean, 'today'?" A look of horror crossed his face. "You mean there is going to be _another_ lesson after this!"

"No, actually. I just like to freak you out."

Artemis sighed and closed his eyes momentarily. "All right. But what about my learning the rest of self-defense?"

"I thought you didn't want to. Doesn't much matter, though. That's about it."

"Hm. I always thought there was more to it. Anyway, let's get this over with."

"We'll start with shooting. Even YOU should be able to do _that_."

Artemis ignored the insult. "Fire away." Holly winced at the bad pun, but walked over to him.

"Right." She tossed him a gun, but he missed catching it. It clattered across the polished floor and only stopped when it hit the wall on the other side of the room. Artemis moved to get it, but Holly grabbed his wrist and pulled him back. "Don't bother; I'll be able to get it faster." She jogged across the room to where the gun lay, then grabbed it and chucked it at Artemis again. It was going over his head, but he jumped into the air and barely managed to catch it by the edges of his fingertips. He immediately dropped it, however, and stood looking ruefully down at his fingers. Holly walked back across the floor, rolling her eyes and muttering something along the way that sounded suspiciously like, "Weak." She got back to where Artemis was still standing. He didn't look up, so she slapped a little at his fingers to get his attention. He winced and looked up at her. "I would prefer it if you didn't do that," he said icily.

"Deal with it, Mud Boy. Now then, pick up the gun." He picked it up gingerly, looking nervous, as though it might go off at any moment.

"That's right. Now, hold it like this, pointing it away from yourself." Holly quickly slipped her fingers into the gun, so fast that Artemis' eyes couldn't follow it.

"Could you do that a little more slowly?" he asked. "I didn't quite see it clearly."

"Artemis Fowl, not see something clearly? Well, I never heard the like," Holly grinned. "Now watch closely. Look, slip this finger in here, like so," pushing his finger into position with her left hand, the one that wasn't on her gun—"and this one here. Good. Now you try it. That one there, and this one—WATCH THAT TRIGGER!" She ducked quickly as a laser burst came whizzing over her head and shot into the wall.

"Thank goodness that wall is bulletproof. Now,_ that_ is why you need to learn self-defense."

"So I can protect myself from me?" Artemis asked dryly.

"More or less. Now, let's try it again. This finger here, and…"

"Urgh," Holly grumped. "Finally. I thought you'd _never_ get it."

During the time they had been practicing with the gun, Artemis had managed to turn it backwards, therefore almost shooting himself, throw it at Holly while trying to duck and shoot at the same time, whack both himself and Holly on various limbs multiple times (including once when he knocked her on the head and rendered her unconscious, at which he panicked and rang the alarm bell, which brought Commander Root himself, who was _not _pleased to see his officer on the floor and shouted at Artemis for over ten minutes before finally boxing him on the ears and then grabbing a pail of water to dump on Holly), and shoot the walls so many times that if they hadn't been bulletproof, the whole of the LEP headquarters as well as the city which lay around it for ten miles, would have looked like Swiss cheese. Now Artemis was leaning against the wall panting, and Holly was doubled over, clutching her knees as though she had just run a great distance (although, technically, she probably had at least done the equivalent of that in exercise, considering the amount of dodging, ducking, and leaping she had done). All in all, they were both completely exhausted.

"Holly?" asked Artemis as soon as he got his breath back.

"What?"

"Maybe it would be better to have a couple sessions. I'm really tired."

"No," Holly said, and, without warning, punched him on the nose. He fell backwards and looked up at her angrily, rubbing his nose.

"What was that for?"

"I'm supposed to be teaching you reflex and ducking now." She pulled him up, and then punched him again. And again. And again.

"Oh, great," said Artemis between punches. He tried to duck, but couldn't, and her fist flew through the air and hit him again. And again. And again…

"Holly," Artemis said, exasperated. He was now sore as well as exhausted, and he thought his whole face must be purple and blue with bruises. However, he had finally gotten the hang of ducking punches. "Holly, can we _please _stop now?"

"No, I've still got to teach you how to punch," said Holly, doggedly determined, even though she looked almost as bad as he felt.

"Holly, come on. We can do this later."

"You're just trying to get out of it. If I let you go now, you'll never come back."

"Why do you want to teach me self-defense anyway?" Artemis asked irritatedly.

"We've been over this. You need to learn how to take care of yourself."

"But…"

"No buts," said Holly firmly. She took hold of his wrist. "Now, the way you want to hold your arm is…"

"Holly," Artemis interrupted. "What if I promised I'd come back tomorrow?"

"You think I trust you to hold to your promise? You're a criminal, after all."

"Oh, come on, Holly," he wheedled. "Artemis Fowl Junior always keeps his word."

"Yeah, right. I'll believe that when I see it," she said impatiently.

"How can you see it if you won't give me a chance?"

"No. Come on, we only have one more thing to cover."

"Yes, and I'm exhausted and black-and-blue."

"Now," she said, ignoring this. "You hold your elbow like so, up here level with your wrist. Good. Now, pretend your arm is a spring. Pull it back, and let go. Like this." She turned sideways, so he could see it better, and let her fist fly. He instinctively ducked, and she looked at him.

"Well, at least I know you can duck now," she said, laughing.

"Just get on with it."

"Okay. You try. Put your elbow here, and your wrist here. Now remember what I told you, and try to punch me."

"I get to try to punch you?"

"Yeah." _He'll probably miss anyway_, she reassured herself. _And if he doesn't, this lesson is over. _She turned her attention back to the task at hand. She saw the fist coming toward her, but she didn't even bother to duck. It was a good six inches to her right.

"No," she told him. "Aim by lowering your head next to your elbow, if you have to."

He tried again, then a third time, and a fourth…

"No, no, no," Holly said, for what seemed like the thousandth time. "_Aim_. Here, let me show you again."

And she pulled back her arm and let fly. Artemis watched, then did the same—or tried to. That is, he pulled back his arm, but it went two inches to the left of where he wanted it to go.

"I don't know whether to laugh at you or get mad," Holly said, rolling her eyes. Artemis sighed and tried a couple more times.

Soon, however, it became apparent that Holly did know whether to laugh or get mad. She got more irritated every time Artemis missed. Finally she blew up.

"YOU—YOU—YOU ARE THE MOST HOPELESS, HELPLESS, WIMPY, PATHETIC, WEAK, MISERABLE, WORTHLESS LOSER I HAVE EVER MET!"

And so saying, she punched him. He fell to the floor, but instead of getting up, he stared ahead for a moment with glazed eyes, then suddenly looked at Holly, comprehension dawning on his face.

"Ohhhh! I get it now!" He got up and walked over to Holly. She just rolled her eyes. Then he pulled back his fist—and punched her right in the nose. She flew backwards and landed with a thump on the hard floor, and just stared for a minute, clearly amazed. Then she suddenly rolled her eyes again, got up, and turned her back to Artemis. He walked in front of her and she turned the other way again.

"Come on, Holly," said Artemis. "I didn't mean to hit you." Holly could hear the laughter in his voice. She snorted in disgust and turned away again. "Okay, maybe I did, but think of all the times you've hit me."

Holly didn't move.

"Come on, please?"

When she still didn't move, he sighed.

"I will thank you to stop behaving like a child," Artemis said, with a sudden return to coldness and his "Genius-Boy" manner.

"I'm not talking to you," said Holly, with her back still turned.

"You just did."

"Fine, I won't talk to you from now on."

"Fine."

"Fine."

Artemis then turned his back to Holly. After a minute, Holly stole a glance at him. He looked so like a normal teenager, standing with his arms crossed and his weight on one leg with the other bent, that she couldn't help laughing. She tried to keep it back, but it escaped her anyway. Artemis turned to her in surprise.

"Would you mind telling me what's so funny?" he asked.

"S-sorry. You—looked so m-much—like—like a normal—t-teenager—that I c-couldn't—help it," she gasped out between fits of mirth. He looked at her for a moment, during which, despite her laughter, she couldn't help fearing that he would get angry, then, to her relief, he started laughing too. They laughed for a minute or two, then gradually stopped.

"Well," Holly said, and made a face at Artemis, at which he completely abandoned his I'm-so-smart manner and stuck his tongue out at her. She looked surprised for a moment, then punched him. He ducked as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Holly's eyes widened, and she stared. Artemis stopped mid-way through straightening up again.

"I—I did it." The expression on his face—a mixture of wonder, happiness, and bewilderment—was so comical that Holly began to laugh again, and he couldn't help joining in.

Meanwhile, Commander Root was walking down the hall toward the gym.

"I suppose I'd better check on them," he muttered to himself. "Make sure they haven't killed each other. Well, more like make sure Holly hasn't killed the Mud Boy, although he could have killed her when he thwacked her with that gun."

He got to the door, which was bulletproof glass, just like the walls (had it been otherwise, it would have been just a mass of holes from when Artemis had been shooting), and stopped short. His eyes widened, and his mouth dropped open in shock. After a moment, he regained his composure.

"Well," he mumbled. "I never expected that to happen." Then he opened the door. Artemis saw him standing in the doorway, and immediately stopped laughing and tried to look dignified despite his position on the floor, where he had fallen from the force of his laughter. Holly was doubled up, and she was making snorting, choking sounds, trying to get her power of speech back so she could say something to Artemis. However, as soon as she stopped hearing the sounds of his laughter, she straightened up. When she saw Commander Root, she began choking again. Root ran over to help, but Artemis got there first. He hit her on the back, and she stopped choking. She straightened up and stood there, taking deep breaths.

"Well. It looks like you two are having fun," Commander Root said. "Care to share the joke?"

Artemis and Holly looked at each other, then looked away quickly, lest they start laughing again. Then, without warning, Holly's fist flew out toward Artemis. He ducked. Root stared, then closed his eyes, rubbed them, and opened them again. When this didn't appear to work, he pinched himself.

"Did I just see what I thought I saw?" he asked dazedly.

Holly laughed and nodded. "Want to see something else?" Before she could do anything, however, Artemis punched her. She landed on her bottom and winced.

"Ow, that hurt."

Root, meanwhile, was staring even harder. He kept blinking, then rubbing his eyes, as though trying to make them work properly. Then he pinched himself again.

"Here, let me do it," said Holly, laughing. She pinched him. Hard. That brought him around.

"Thanks," he said. "I needed that."

"Good," said Holly. Then she suddenly looked enlightened. "I have it!" She walked over to Artemis and whispered something in his ear. He looked at her doubtfully for a moment, then suddenly smiled his vampire smile.

"Okay."

Holly pulled an apple out of her pocket. Root looked confused.

"What's that for? And where'd you get it?" he asked.

"It was left over from my lunch, and I thought I'd eat it later," she said, ignoring the first question. "Do you have any string?" He nodded, still looking befuddled, and took some out of a backpack he had on.

"Thanks," Holly told him, taking the string. She put the apple on her head, then tied the string around it so that it was secure. Artemis picked up one of the guns they had been using earlier. Suddenly, Root realized what was going on.

"Hey! Wait a minute! You can't just—you can't possibly trust that Mud Boy to…"

BANG! Root closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them, expecting to have to haul Holly out of the gym, unconscious. What he saw made him gasp in surprise. There was Holly, standing there grinning at him. The apple was way over on the other side of the gym.

"I…you…" Commander Root stuttered. "This must all be a dream. The Mud Boy can't _do_ stuff like that in real life."

"He can now," said Holly happily. "I taught him."

"Hey, give me some credit," said Artemis. "After all, _I_ was the one who was punched a million times before finally learning how to duck. _I _was the one who was yelled at and called a hopeless, pathetic loser. _ I_ was the one who…"

"_I_ was the one who helped you do it," Holly interrupted.

"Whoa, whoa. Slow down," Commander Root said, looking faintly amused. "_What _happened?"

So they told him.

"Well," he said, when they had finished. "Well."

In the time that followed, Holly still punched Artemis a lot (he was still as annoying as ever), but now Artemis knew how to duck, and so didn't get hurt half as much as Holly wanted him to, which made her really mad sometimes.

"I knew I shouldn't have taught you how to do that," she would grumble whenever he avoided her fist. Then they would both remember that day and burst out laughing.

As for Commander Root, he was the only one who ever understood exactly how Artemis and Holly had learned to get along so well, and how Artemis had learned to punch, duck, and shoot as well as Holly, even though Foaly, Trouble, Juliet, and Butler had had it explained to them. It was the kind of thing you had to have seen first hand.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Readers: NO! THAT'S NOT RIGHT! WHAT ABOUT FACING ENEMIES? WHAT ABOUT OPAL KOBOI, AND WHATEVER COLFER CHOOSES TO HAVE HAPPEN IN ALL THE OTHER BOOKS! YOU CAN'T JUST SAY, "AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!"

Me: Okay, sorry. Let me try again. clears throat

In the time that followed, Holly still punched Artemis a lot (he was still as annoying as ever), but now Artemis knew how to duck, and so didn't get hurt half as much as Holly wanted him to, which made her really mad sometimes.

"I knew I shouldn't have taught you how to do that," she would grumble whenever he avoided her fist. Then they would both remember that day and burst out laughing.

As for Commander Root, he was the only one who ever understood exactly how Artemis and Holly had learned to get along so well, and how Artemis had learned to punch, duck, and shoot as well as Holly, even though Foaly, Trouble, Juliet, and Butler had had it explained to them. It was the kind of thing you had to have seen first hand.

And they all lived not-quite-happily ever after.


End file.
